I've had this stuff rattling around in my head for a few months
now....This past year has been a good year of learning and realizations
for me. I knew I needed to write this down and possibly share in hopes
of maybe helping a few that have had the same thoughts/issues as me.
This
huge inner battle with myself started mainly my first year of marriage.
Right before my last semester of my college career is when we sealed
the deal. After I graduated 4 months later, I started searching for a
job and couldn't find/get one until the beginning of August. Let's just
say I had A LOT of free time :) That's when I first started to really
get into blogging. Once I started blogging I then did A LOT of blog
stalking. I started to get really depressed because well.... everyone
else seemed to have this amazingly fun, happy go lucky marriage and
life!!! I then of course started comparing it to my marriage and how
lame it seemed compared to everyone else adventures, surprises from
hubby's, blah blah blah. I eventually got out of that funk and realized
that most people only post the good things, the happy things. Life went
on and now and then I would get in that same funk and start comparing my
life again. I fell into this trance of only posting things that were
super fun that we did, my pictures had to be edited before I put them on
my blog, I would even plan fun things to do and made sure to document
them so I could put them on my blog and seem like the "fun person" the
"fun mom". Laughable right?! haha.
That was a few
years ago. Fast forward to a year and a half ago. I was really
struggling with feeling like I had any friends. REAL friends that is.
Sure I had a lot of girls that I knew and had interaction with but I was
lacking someone I could turn to, someone I could be my crazy self
around, someone I didn't feel embarrassed around. Someone I could count
on if I ever needed advice.
(I'm sure I was being dramatic ;) ) I
then began doubting myself, didn't feel like I had great self-esteem,
and subconsciously started changing who I was in hopes to fit in.
I
thought I had to have the cutest clothes. (I've always dressed more
"sporty" t-shirts and jeans and hoodies and ball shorts while at home) I
got caught up in following the fashion trends and tried to post
pictures of myself in those "supposedly cute outfits". I just wasn't
"fitting in" how I wanted to. Of course I know I wasn't doing all I
could to find or befriend "those friends I needed". I don't know how
long this was going on for me. It all stopped when I noticed someone who
never tried to fit in, who was still herself no matter what and she was
FINE! She seemed totally content and happy and didn't give in to what
was going on TO fit in. She didn't care. She was happy with who she was.
That's when it hit me upside the head of all the silly things I was
trying to do! It all started there and I wanted to prove to myself that I
didn't need others to make me feel good or I didn't need to compare
myself to others lives on facebook or on blogs.
During that same time I became super good friends with a girlie that has changed my life! (More on that in a sec. )
THEN
pinterest came along. Holy mess!! I wasn't quite to where I was strong
enough yet and boy oh boy I dug myself in what seemed like an eternal
never ending pit.
I thought I had to do all these things as a mother
to make sure that my child had the best childhood ever! He needed
homemade food all the time. I had to have fun activities picked out to
do everyday. We had to have dance parties randomly throughout the day
and go to the park and, and, and... I saw other mothers I knew doing
this "all the time" (what the blogged, facebooked about, or
instagrammed). I wanted to be that way! I wanted to be the supermom who
did it all and their kids were always doing something magical and fun!
Did
I really? Or was it just because it seemed as though, those who did
that had the happiest and most magical lives ever? That they never had a
messy house? That they always looked like they stepped out of window
display? That they never raised a finger at their kids and those said kids were always obedient and cuddly and happy as can be?
"Why
couldn't I do that? Why wasn't I that fun mom? Why didn't I have it in
me? Am I not creative enough to do that? Why didn't I have all these
kinds of awesome friends that I hung out with on a regular basis? Why is
it so hard to have that perfect day to day life? If they can do it why can't I? Why is it so hard for me? Am I not good enough? I'll never be able to do that....."
Then every once and a while I would come across some blogs that they
actually posted about negative things that went on. "WHAT?! Who does
that? How embarrasing!" ;)
I pretty much was depressed as a mom. I couldn't do it all and you're supposed to be able to do it all. Right??? RIGHT??!
NO!
Over
the summer and still now, this friend of mine has been my "therapist".
She helped me see that I was being CRAY CRAY. (I laugh every time I see
that somewhere. But I really just love it. It's like crazy-er than
crazy) She pretty much helped me re-wire the way I thought of myself and
thought of life in general. I was too focused on trying to be like and
please others rather than being ME/pleasing myself and in general I
wasn't including God in my life in the ways that I should. This person
truly does not care what people think of her and is the most
kind/sincere person who will talk to any stranger just to make their day
better. She lives life freely and doesn't "rate her coolness" on what
others/the media/what's popular.
I started keeping
little notes on my phone here and there of thoughts I had, and about
things that really don't matter. Well to me, that is. That's when I
decided that I wanted to write about this. That I wanted to start
blogging real life. The good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. The
happy the sad. The triumphs and catastrophes. (Gaspard and Lisa
anyone?)
So here it is. This is what I've realized about me, about LIFE!
*Just
a side not real quick. There ARE those people that can do it all. And
you know what? I am so happy for them. Seriously. Now that I'm starting
on my journey to give myself permission to be me, I'm totally okay with
the fact that I'm not that and that they are. Everyone has their own
strengths and weaknesses. Some strengths are things you can outwardly
see. Others, not unless you really knew them would you be able to see
some of their awesome strengths. We all come differently and that's what
makes this world interesting and not the same and boring! And I realize
a lot of this stuff some of you peoples already know...bear with me
while I catch up ;)
(I'm re-posting these just how I
wrote them down. Random order, but these are how the thoughts came to me
throughout random days and times these last few months)
((And
these are things that apparently I used to be so wrapped up in and
thought I had to be perfect on or the thoughts wouldn't have come.))
--------------------------------------------
(Bullet points inside my head)
I
have come to find out and realize that it's important to me to look
good for myself. (Sound funny?) When I take the time to run a brush
through my hair, put on "real clothes" I feel more energized and will
actually start the day. (Unless I'm sick, then I could care less. haha)
BUT also, it's okay that I don't shower every day.
It's okay to have piles of laundry that need to be put away staring at you in your laundry room.
It's okay to have a pile of mail sitting on the counter that you just haven't gone through quite yet.
It's okay that I don't take my kids to the park every single day.
It's
okay that I let warren watch episode after episode of Mickey Mouse
Clubhouse when I'm just too tired to entertain or I need to get things
done OR just want to write a blog post ;)
It's okay to
be covered in baby food during the day when sometimes I have a baby who
wont sit in her high chair and needs to be held to eat and then rubs
her nose on my shirt two seconds later.
It's okay that sometimes my kids never make it past wearing a diaper in the morning.
It's okay if I don't have fabulous meals prepared every single night.
It's okay to eat a cookie or two with some ice cream when I want.
It's important to me to exercise.
I realize I'm kind of a messy person but that's okay. I want to become more organized.
It's okay that I don't have awesome huge birthday parties for my kids every year.
It's okay that I'm not the best photographer around.
It's not okay to compare myself to others even though sometimes it's a hard thing not to do.
Everyone
started somewhere. Be happy for those that are "supermoms". I've come
to accept that I'm not that, but I am my own supermom. I'm not
downplaying anyone that can do everything. We just need to realize our
own strengths. We all have them, we just need to find them, use them,
and LOVE them.
Be yourself. Don't try to keep up with
others. Keep up with YOU! You're always going to feel like a failure if
you're striving to be anybody else.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Those
were my main bullet points, now this is just some long paragraphed
thoughts I wrote down. Some of these are somewhat repetitive but now I
know what I was really struggling with ;)
-----------------------------------------------------------
(Thoughts Inside My Head)
No one wants to admit they're having problems. If we were able to
admit our problems and share them without feeling judged, then we could
actually help those in need. And that I could be okay with the fact that
I was having problems.
I used to only mainly wear
basketball clothes because that's who I thought I was. I wanted to be
different and couldn't understand how girls who were athletic could be
super girly or dress "super girly" too. It didn't make sense to me.
WAHLAA! ---> I wasn't embracing my femininity. Once I was helped to
realize this it dawned on me that I LOVED wearing skirts. I actually
started to like the color pink. Well Coral.. so not technically pink yet
;) haha. I felt more me. I now know what I like to wear, what
look/style I like and I'm comfortable in that. It's not completely
different than what I've always worn, I just have added more feminine
pieces. (Everyday skirts, flowy tops, that sort of thing)
(*Little
bit of history on that one. In high school I played soccer, basketball,
and did track. I was known by people, that didn't know me, as that Wood
girl who played...(soccer/basketball/track). Not to toot my own horn
but I was athletic and succeeded at the sports I did. That quickly
became my identity for myself. So naturally I dressed more sporty and
surfer girl. I liked dressing up all cutesy but that just wasn't me, and
especially not if you played sports ;)* )
I don't have
anything against moms who are awesome in that way. (moms who can do a
lot) But don't feel pressured to be that way. Choose what makes me happy
and what helps me to live freely. Why am I so scared to live like I
really want? Why am I so scared/worried of others and what they think?
None
of us do enough to make ourselves happy. I realize as moms we have to
sacrifice of course for a lot of things we may want to do but we can
STILL do some of them. We need to find our own balance and do what makes
us happy doing it!
Why don't we all try and live for ourselves and our families? Instead of living to impress others? I'm not innocent. I totally go through spurts of doing that, sometimes not even knowing that I am doing it.
Why
are some people in general so scared to show that we're not perfect or
that our house is not always clean? It just makes it harder to know when
to help people these days because nobody wants to admit or show that
they need help. Nobody wants to appear weak.
----------------------------------------------
So... I've had some issues. :)
(I could go on about these bullet points and paragraphed thoughts but I'll spare you.)( And my head hurts.)
And
those are just a few that I was able to write down right when I thought
them. Who puts these thoughts in our heads anyways? "That we're not
good enough, that we have to keep up and be like so and so and if we
don't we're scum?" The one who doesn't want anyone to be happy because
he can't have happiness himself. The adversary.
We
have a choice to be! That's the beauty. We can choose how we want to
live our lives. No one can make us feel any certain way. For the longest
time, I HATED when my mom/husband used to tell me that no one can make
you feel mad, no one can make you feel inferior. I thought it was the
dumbest thing ever. But Hello Janica! It's sooo true. YOU CHOOSE. You
choose to be happy, you choose to be YOU! I'll admit it's hard to do
sometimes. It's hard to change that thought process. Sure someone can do
something to you that hurts you, but you can choose to be offended, you
can choose to be mad.
I can choose to be the type of
person I want to be. I can choose to be the type of mom I want to be. I
can choose to coast along with life or I can choose to make it an
adventure and be happy doing it. I can choose to be ME. All those bullet
points and thoughts are me choosing to be me. I'm not perfect and I'm
perfectly happy with accepting that. My friend helped me realize that a
lot of people just need this subconscious permission to be themselves. I
needed permission to be me. I needed to realize it was okay to have the
quirks I have. It's okay that I do things the way I sometimes do. Of
course there are things I should work on but it's okay to be where I am
with life right now as long as I'm progressing and getting better. I saw
this quote I think on pinterest or somewhere.
"Be okay with where you are, even if you know you want to change."
(I couldn't find the source or quot-er)
Does
this all sound super random and kind of like I just randomly chucked
random words at a page? Well probably because it is :) I just felt the
need to get these thoughts out. I'm not the best writer and can't make
things sound all cool and fun to read like my husband can so if you made
it through till the end. Props to you :)
I'm not a fan of the "New Years Resolution" list thing. I don't exactly know why. I'm just not. So this is my "2013 plan"
:
I'm giving myself permission to be me and to find out exactly who me is.
I'm going to start blogging about real life. Yes,
what I have blogged is real life, but it's only been the fun, the
happy. I totally get why you wouldn't want to blog the bad, the ugly and
that's totally cool too, to not do that. I've just realized that this is what I need to do for myself to help along my plan of being me and finding me. And because I personally love to read people who blog it all. It helps me out when I'm feeling like the only one not in control of my life. So be prepared! ;)
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