I don't even know what to title this or if I'll even post it because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. But then again maybe there's someone out there that can relate to it and be okay with it too! And because I think it's silly what I did.
Story: I went to an activity tonight because I want to get out and make friends in my church ward. We've lived here for about a year now, you think I'd be a little more outgoing by now ;) It was a dinner/service activity for the women. I walked to where it all was and ladies said hi. But then there was time between getting there and waiting for dinner to begin. So I stood. I felt awkward, VERY awkward. I didn't know what to do. Everyone was already chatting with someone, and I don't know anyone well enough to just walk up and join the convo. So I stood some more, thinking how even more awkward it was going to be getting my food and then looking for somewhere to sit. I contemplated just leaving and well... I did.
HOW LAME!!! I know that's what you're thinking. I agree 100%. I know I need to make friends and it's mostly all my fault for not having ones that I feel comfortable being myself around, Well let me just tell you... and this is in NO WAY trying to make up excuses, but
I'm shy. I have been my WHOLE life. Granted, I become a TON more outgoing while in college and while in China for a semester. Some people did not even believe me when I told them about my awkward shyness. While in high school, people that didnt know me thought I was stuck up because they would see me being chatty kathy with my friends and then silent in the classroom full of students I did not know.
So in that sense, I've always had a hard time going into a new situation and making friends and being myself. Weird thing though, if I'm the one in charge of an activity, I don't have a problem being outgoing. I don't have a hard time talking to people, but feeling comfortable and just talking about who-knows-what with someone right away has never been my forte when I wish it was. I have a bubblier than bubbly little sister and an amazingly outgoing older sister. You'd think they'd want to share some of that with me;) I think I just have this fear that people will think I'm immature or just weird. haha. For some reason, I have this shell around me and it only
slowly breaks away. I don't open up very well or fast. I've been trying to work on that because it drives me CRAZY that I'm that way and I guess I've never been in a situation where I went anywhere without a friend that I felt secure around. ha. So to put tonights situation lightly, it was horrifying to me, in a sense! haha. I came home feeling ridiculous that I left, but I felt even more ridiculous being there.
Well, you live and you learn. I lived... and I'll learn.