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"I really do believe that we can LOVE ourselves at such a level that we can let go of need, despair, and loneliness with relationships... Asking other people to fill you with LOVE, is like asking people to hand-feed you with FOOD? It's just not necessary. Skip the middle-man. For those of you not feeling LOVED bc someone isn't feeding you...that's a painful story to live in, and you can be FREE."
I read this last night on a friends face book status. At first I was kind of annoyed at it because that's SO TRUE for me and I didn't want to admit it. Sometimes the truth hurts and this particular day it did. I realize I rely on how I think people/friends think about me to determine my self worth or whether I'm likeable as a "close friend" to people. I admit, in high school I had pretty good self esteem. I had great friends and never felt like I didn't have someone who "liked" me. For some reason I've always been the type that felt like I needed a "best friend" and if I didn't, then it hurt. I did though feel that one year in high school. But overall I never ached or yearned for REALLY good friends, because I had them. College the circle cut down a little of how many really good friends I had. Now being married.....well, we'll just leave it at that.
That quote made me realize that I'm in control of how many "really" good friends I FEEL like I have. To those that know me really well, know I naturally have a hard time making those really good friends and it's been harder since moving away from all my college/high school friends. I've let me self esteem depreciate and now I just feel like I'm not "cool enough" or I'm just not "likeable". I've lost who I really am in trying to be who I think everyone else wants me to be so that they'll want to hang out with me or invite me to girls nights, parties, or whatever girls do together. Let's get real here, I'm awkward when it comes to making friends and I have speaking quarks that only my besties know that it's just because that's who I am and I always talk like that. But it really comes out when I'm talking one on one to someone I want to be good friends with and then I feel insecure. haha. What a cycle huh? Then when I think I've made friends with someone I never feel like they really like me until we start hanging out, outside of the one place we always see each other, whatever that may be.
Anyways....after talking to Seth about my self pity party yesterday because of a situation, at first I was hurt/mad because all he said to me right off was, "well just change your attitude and way of thinking about it, don't expect that you're not going to get invited and stop caring so much about it." Ouch. BUT it's true I shouldn't care so much about how not having a ton of really good friends makes me feel and stop caring so much about needing really good friends to hang out with. Plus I've got one amazing sis who lives two miles away that's my bestie and another sis two hours away that I WISH lived closer ;) Fact being, I shouldn't let "not getting invited to things" or "not feeling "cool" enough that they want to hang out with me" determine how I feel about myself, but that's a pretty dang hard thing for me to do!!! So if anyone has any tips on how to do that, that would be great :) ha.
This is just a post I mainly needed to write for myself and maybe someone else out there might benefit from that quote. Cheers!
For some reason I can't seem to get the text to not be bold. lame...
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Jan, I totally understand what you are thinking/feeling. It is hard to feel like you don't have friends. I mean we sit at home all day being a mom, but sometimes we need to get out and do adult stuff (even if we bring along the kiddies). I moved to San Antonio 2-3 weeks ago and I still don't really know anyone. I haven't hung out with any ladies from the ward, I basically just sit at home and do stuff with Jax. It gets boring and monotonous after a while. so i get ya. I hope things get better, and I think like Seth said, just having a more positive attitude helps. don't be afraid to talk to people! and if you ever want to come to texas, you can stay at our place! I bet Jax and Warren would just have so much fun together! P.s. I did put blonde highlights into my hair while I was in Canada, thanks for noticing! and, shhhhh but I am prego again. only 7-8 weeks along now. i will annouce it more publically in about a month, but for now, just keep it on the down low. thanks!
ReplyDeleteAh, these are my feelings EXACTLY lately! I have always been the type of person that lets others determine how good I feel about myself. When I feel like no one really wants to be around me it really takes a toll on my self esteem. I appreciated your post, and the advice you received...it's hard not to care, but it definitely makes us "free" when we don't care so much about what others think. This is something I'll be working on forever I think.
ReplyDeleteno worries, this is totally something i've struggled with too! especially since we've moved to north carolina, without knowing anybody... it's so hard to get to know people. but i keep trying--it's so hard to make myself remember that i have to put in effort to get to know people too.
ReplyDeleteGood quote! And dont worry, you are cool and the type of person that everyone wants to be friends with. I always wanted to be your friend anyway. :) I always thought you were way too cool. There are probably a whole bunch of young moms wishing they could be your best friend. Sorry you were feeling down. It gets the best of me too sometimes. Just know that you are awesome!!
ReplyDeleteI think this is something most of us struggle with. We just want to be accepted and wanted. I know I spend way too much time wondering what people think about me and hoping it's good...and sometimes getting down when I "guess" that it's not. Sometimes I wonder what amazing things I could do if I harnessed that brain power in other ways! You are very down-to-earth, and I'm sure the only thing people think who don't know you well is that they want to be your friend, they are just to intimidated to make the first move!
ReplyDeleteI know that I'm an old 'fuddy duddy' & your Mama, so my advice probably doesn't count, but here it is for what it's worth. Our personalities are similar in many ways. I moved around a lot at a difficult stage in my life & was always worried about having 'good friends'. I still struggle sometimes with who can I talk to or ask to do something with me, etc. But I have to keep reminding myself about this quote, "I know I'm somebody 'cause "God" don't make no junk." You have special talents & abilities that no one else has. We are on earth to learn to share those things with others & uplift them. It's easy to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes, when we feel bogged down or left out & may need to talk to someone. When I get this way, prayer is always a good outlet (ask who can I help or uplift today?), and I also try to think of what I can do for someone...whether it be writing a special note, or taking someone a treat out of the blue, or calling someone up to see how they're doing or inviting them to do something with me or write down 'out of ordinary' specific things I'm thankful for...nice clean sheets at night, a toothbrush, a.c., living near the temple, cameras, etc. & etc. Satan wants us to feel worthless & discouraged & depressed...but we can't let him do that to us, we have power over him always! You are loved beyond comprehension by your Heavenly Father & brother, Jesus Christ. Dad & I and Seth & Warren & your siblings all dearly love you, not to mention so many other relatives and friends. Dad always used to tell me when we first got married, "You are responsible for your own happiness, you can't depend on me or anyone else to make you happy." This upset me at first, but I have been slowly learning over the years, how true this is. I need to concentrate on making Dad & others around me happy & then I'll find happiness myself. Just know that Dad & I are always here for you.
ReplyDeleteJanica, I have felt the same way. I have moved around so much that it has been hard to invest and really make friends. I can smile and say hi and make a pleasant observation to anyone, like in line at the bank or on an elevator. But it has sometimes been hard to bare my soul to someone.
ReplyDeleteMy family has always been my best friends. But it feels lonely sometimes, especially if I can't be with them. Praying for gratitude for God's mercies helps, communing with God alone is the best way and helps me remember I am never truly alone.
One thing that helps me is to enjoy doing things like reading,writing, crafts, or other activities that I enjoy doing alone. I can feel like I am in good company being by myself if I remember to be my own best friend and give myself the benefit of the doubt like I would to another.
Just know that you are not alone, you are unique but we are all still special, and of great value, especially you. I am so glad you have you in our family. I love you and understand. Love to you ever and ever. Mom E